From: Betty Bowers -- America's Best Christian
Sent: Friday, September 02, 2005 2:51 PM
Subject: Betty Bowers Newsletter: Katrina, the Terrorist Who Got Through
The Metal Detector
I see that our gallant President has decided that it is taking far too
long for Iraq to look like America, So he has decided to meet them
halfway by making New Orleans look like Baghdad. Only, perhaps, he
went too far, as New Orleans could only aspire to a lawless anarchy as
dry as Iraq's. And here I thought dear Katherine Harris and her
faux-felon purge was the model for trimming the voting lines of
Democrats! Frankly, Katherine's glorious efforts to relieve the
registration lists of nefarious liberals can't hold a candle to the
magnificent indolence of FEMA in New Orleans. And while dead people
may vote (especially in Ohio), they don't show up in court to whine
about being harassed at the polls. Glory!
Yes, it has been four long years since 9/11 (registered trademark) and
nothing has apparently been done in this country to prepare for or
help a disaster (an alarming fact that was amply proven on "Being
Bobby Brown"). But I am getting increasingly impatient with liberals
bellyaching that Katrina serves to underscore a lack of planning on
the part of our President.
On the contrary, dears: it shows an arrangement that works just like
it is supposed to not work! You see, Mr. Bush wisely cut the budgets
for emergency response agencies and the rebuilding of levees in New
Orleans to pay for our efforts to establish an Islamic theocracy in
Iraq (and to send emergency tax relief to desperate people not nearly
as liquid as New Orleans, desperately clinging to billions tied up in
real estate and leaking stock portfolios). Who was to fill the gap,
impertinent fact-obsessed people ask? Well, American's religious
corporations, mouths agape under the bounteous spigots of tax-dollars
flowing to faith-based initiated!
That is why FEMA lists Brother-in-Christ (and assassination
cheerleader) Pat Robertson's very own Operation Blessing as one of the
first places you should think about when sending dollars to help poor
people being devoured by rats and red ants in New Orleans. Say what
you will about Brother Pat, but he knows how to loot without getting
wet! Glory!
The tiny snag with relying on churches to fill the gap left by a
government too preoccupied with the testosterone of waging war abroad
to succumb to the girly impulse of feeding those left at home, is that
the churches with the most money didn't get that way by turning it
over to those in need. Indeed, in a novel twist on Scripture, most
American Christian mega-churches have been called by the Lord Jesus to
get money from the poor -- not the other way around. This is precisely
why it was the secular Astrodome in Houston, not Joel Osteen's new
16,000-seat indoor stadium (former home of the Houston Rockets) that
threw open its doors to the poor and needy. After all, a stadium full
of poor people with diseases would simply ruin the bottom line by
keeping out rich people with tithes. Besides, who wants a bunch of
water-logged black people dripping all over the recent $75,000,000
renovation? Not Jesus!
Let me take a moment to join President Bush in praising his
administration's inerrant efforts in response to Hurricane
Katrina. The administration's initial, rather crafty response was a
calmness that absently flirted with disinterest, so as not to let the
water know that it had won. A still-vacationing W strummed a guitar
(pronounced "git-tawr") while New Orleans burned. No, that was Rome:
New Orleans drowned. And Condoleezza Rice, always the go-to gal for
feigning obviousness with alarming verisimilitude, went shoe shopping
in New York for a kicky little something to wear to giggle herself to
death at Spamalot. As she might have told Louisiana children dying
without needed medications in the Ninth Ward, had she actually been
there to speak to them: "Don't worry about not having penicillin,
kiddies. As any rich Broadway cognoscenti will tell you -- laughter is
truly the best medicine! Don't touch the Ferragamos!"
Following Condi's always exemplary coolness in the face of disaster
(which she seems to have appropriated from Terri Schiavo), our
handsome President hasn't been without solutions to the current
crisis. Why, just today he offered the sage and innovative suggestion:
"If you don't need gas, don't buy it." Pesto -- problem solved! (Well,
for that one lady out in Indianapolis who doesn't drive.) Actually, a
better suggestion would have been: "Instead of wasting money on gay,
use the money to buy gas stock instead because when it comes to making
the best out of a crisis, nobody comes close to America's oil
companies. Yee-haw!" Or, better yet, sell the lumber from what used to
be your house in Biloxi on E-bay and use the few dollars you get to
buy Halliburton stock. Shares in that company, which Dick Cheney still
gets money from, sold for $8.60 in 2002. Yesterday, they hit
$63.44. Don't tell me the Lord doesn't turn lemons in to lemonade!
Glory!
Of course, the first priority of our proactive President was to do
what the White House always does to solve any problem: schedule a
panacean photo-op! So, four long days after Katrina hit, President
Bush stood in Mobile before news cameras, looking like what he thought
a concerned person would look like. America watched in heartened
triumph as the head of FEMA told Mr. Bush that the water that
submerged New Orleans had gotten there because something called
"levees" had broken. Who knew? Here it is Friday, and it is such a joy
to watch as someone finally shares with Mr. Bush what the rest of us
knew (and, apparently, were selfishly keeping to ourselves) all week.
Now, the only thing left for we Christians to do is to decide the most
important issue: who exactly was the loving Lord trying to kill with
Katrina? While many of my fellow right-wing Christians bicker over
whether it was a Great Flood aimed at homosexuals or abortionists, I
think one thing is clear: when it comes to poor black people without
food or drinkable water, the Lord has quite an axe to grind.
Well, all I can say is if a terrorist blows up Chicago or a major
earthquake decimates Los Angeles, make sure you have batteries in your
flashlights and learn to drink sewage with a smile because the Bush
administration is otherwise distracted, dismissive and disinterested,
dears. You're on your own. Welcome to the new, every-man-for-himself
America! Glory!
So close to Jesus, I can be driven to Crawford, Texas without even
seeing the inconveniently mewling mother my SUV limo is splashing with
mud,
Mrs. Betty Bowers
America's Best Christian
(A woman known throughout Christendom for her joie d'aprs vivre)
Copyright Mrs. Betty Bowers 2005
Subscribe to or otherwise read Mrs. Betty Bowers frequent columns and
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[TELECOM Digest Editor's Note: Decisions, decisions! Should this item
be today's 'Last Laugh!' feature? I decided against titleing it such,
since there are many, many heartbroken residents today who call or
called New Orleans their 'home'. But Mrs. Bowers, fabulous Christian
and all that, does frequently hit the hammer squarely on the nail, as
I think she did this time. For an alternative viewpoint, also see the
essay in today's issue of the Digest from Lisa Hancock. PAT]
Betty Bowers ((no email))